Journal writing has been my solace, my way of being real, of being true to myself.
Now, with blogging, I have a new voice in my head: The Editor.
So along with the voice of The Judge, “You can’t say that,” I hear, “Try saying it like this, it sounds better. No wait, make that fresher.” Yikes. At least I’ve kept my sense of humor.
Writing is for me. It connects me with myself and gives these aspects inside a place to be heard—or at least a place to speak. I allow myself absolute attention. At least I used to. Before I jumped into publishing my words.
Spontaneity. Flow. Uncensored. These are my lifeline. The exact thing The Editor dreads.
So with all that in mind, what am I trying to say? It’s okay sweet girl . . .
I feel this little one inside, the one who is learning to trust, to see people as friendly, safe to interact with. She’s the one willing to smile, to make eye contact. And while she, I, may not say it out loud, our actions relay a relaxed stance, a do-you-want-to-play attitude. It feels like I’m softening.
The world is beautiful from this place. I’m happy.
Yes, I look outward a lot these days, focusing on my social presence. Combined, those two words prompt me to retreat—back to my snail’s shell. But when I separate them, social and presence, they sound kinda fun.
I’m learning to enjoy socializing. It’s actually a fascinating process of watching and waiting to see who shows up. Not just the myriad aspects of my own inner brood. It’s the others who show up on my path, the supporting characters on life’s stage who are a wildly eclectic bunch. And perhaps the fear that has gripped me in so many social situations—well, three fears come to mind: loosing myself, making a fool of myself, and not being seen. Perhaps all three of these tie back to the term presence. That’s the key. With presence each of my public fears dissolve.
So what is presence?
Being fully in my body, in my awareness—as opposed to flitting about psychically reading what others want me to be. Being other centric is the old attention consuming practice of morphing into what I think, read, feel someone wants. With presence I’m me. YAY me. I like me. If you don’t, that’s okay, though I hope we can at least be curious, another recently discovered key.
Curiosity opens the world; both the inner experience and the outer reflection.
Yes, I will probably continue to read the subtle energies. Yet to do so consciously, while staying aware of my body—all of me for that matter, body, mind, emotions, spirit—that’s being present. I’m multi-faceted. We all are. It’s when I try to ignore some of those aspects, deny their wants or needs or hints of wisdom, that’s when my social life gets messy. That’s when I want to retreat, to self sooth in my solitude.